2nd June 2017

Met up with baby and sent her home. Seems like baby not gonna take a break with me. I am really happy. She was feeling needy for me today, i was more than happy to give her my hugs that she need. She told me the night before when we called to talk, she really needed my hug... i feel so useless not being able to give her the hug that she needed during thag time... :( After sending her home, she needed to pack her stuff and head to chalet with friends. She told me that she gonna keep texting me but sadly, she didnt... her replies starting to get cold again... i could understand that all her friends are there and watching her... which gave her a hard time to reply me... i feel very sad that she didnt text me as much as she said she will but at the same time i want her to enjoy herself... so, i did not tell her about this... need to keep it to myself and not make her angry again... only this way i could make her happy... i miss baby so much eventhough i only just met her 2 hours before her chalet... i really want to see her and talk to her but... i shall just let her have fun... I love you baby...

31st May 2017

Today, baby said that i did got stand up for her and wanted to have a temporarily break with me... Her words pierced straight through my heart and it really hurts so much... Baby seems like she is tired of me... because i am clingy, over sensitive and always telling her to do things she do not want to do... i cannot control... past made me like this... past hurt me and made me this way to protect myself... but at the same time i dont want to be like this... i really dont want to and i really hate myself when i cannot control it... but baby just dont see it... her words made my heart pump so fast as if it was sprinting towards a finish line and then it feels like my heart was made of glass, jumped down a building and shattered into pieces... she dont know how much her words hurt me... and i cannot do anything other than begging like a beggar for her not to take a break... as i always afraid a break will ends up a real break in the end... and i really cannot lose baby... i really cannot afford to lose her... i really love baby so much... i can lose everything but her... but why cant baby see how much i am fighting for her... and how much i am fighting against myself to be a better guy for her... No matter how much baby hurts me... i will still pick the pieces up myself and love her... can you see it baby?... can you?... i know i am a bad in relationships but i have never love someone so much as you... the love grew so much that it actually hurts because i afraid its all one sided... all i want is to be with you... make you happy... share your problems with me... and go through everything together... want you to love and keep me... i want to be part of your life... is that too much to ask for?... now, all i really hoping for is that you still love me and want to be with me as much as you always do... i am really sorry that i made you feel suffocated and tired... i am hurt too... all i need is you to hug me... and tell me all is fine and you will go through it with me together... i need your encouragement too you know baby... i didnt say all these because i know even if i said it, you'll just be angry at me for thinking this way... So, i might as well hide my thoughts and feelings and write it out here... i would rather i 1 person suffer the pain and keep it to myself and see you happy instead of being angry at me not telling you all these... cos you'll still be angry even if i say it...

I really want you happy baby... because i really love you so much...