24th December 2017

Last year, everything was so different... haiz...

17th December 2017

Missing you... but seems like you don't even need me as a friend... glad you doing well getting back with your friends... want you to know that anything that may happen between you and your friends, i'll never walk away and will be there for you to go to...

14th December 2017

I am lost for words to explain how i really feel... i am just feeling... idk... am i lost... feeling like i am all alone... i need a hug...

5th December 2017

I miss you... haiz...

27th November 2017

I guess i got to pull myself away... it just seems like you dont want to talk to me and i just always annoy you... just go make friends again with your friends and be happy... i will be glad seeing you happy. I will always be here for you if you need anything...

26th November 2017

Sometimes i just wish you could be brutally honest with me if i actually annoyed you... rather dhen just ignore the messages you do not want to reply and wait for me to send you something else which you choose to reply to... just tell me straight up that you do not want to talk to me or i am annoying you or whatsoever... i will stop...

On the sidenote... i really miss you so much... so much that it made me cry...

24th November 2017

Haizz... feel like i am annoying you and feel like you do not want to talk to me...

10th November 2017

Congratulation on completing your Os. The day you waited for has come. Hope everything went well for your papers and i believe you will definitely do well... Hope you gonna have fun in your holiday and hope you can get into the course you want for poly...

6th November 2017

6th Nov... supposedly our 11th... haiz... last year this time everything was so different... how i wish i could go back in time and re-live the moments... i hope you're doing well and hope you're happy now... i've been missing you so much... do you?... sigh...

2nd November

I miss you... i miss you... i miss you... fml...

5th October 2017

Was so happy seeing your name popping up in my phone notification but... being accused for something i did not do and would never do... i even told Brax how i wished i was the one who coincidentally met her... i literally couldnt sleep early every night because i am thinking of you... i guess there are nothing i can say to make you believe me... everything i do, everything i say is a lie to you... i do not want to accuse you for lying... remember you said you will never leave me and will love me forever but you did not... you tweeted i had you by my words but lost you with my actions... i really do not know how i lost you with my actions... i admit i did do things you do not like but i stopped and changed... and you still left me... i am trying so hard, not doing everything you do not like... hoping you will see a change in me trying to be better for you... and hope you would come back and let us start over and try again... i am still holding on to that little hope...

4th October 2017

01:49am... i really miss you so much... i in need of your hug... heart aching in such a way i do not know how to explain anymore...

29th September 2017

Havent been able to sleep early...  cant help but stay up in the night just thinking of you... praying and wishing we can start all over again... i really really miss you... i really need your hug and want to hug you...

21st September 2017

I really miss you... wondering how you are doing now... but just cannot bring myself up to text you... knowing you probably will just give me cold answers and all and talk about me again to your friends... haiz...

20th September 2017

Yet another dream about you... and this time i wish mh dream can turn into reality... i miss you so much...

17th September 2017

I need you... i need your hug... your touch... your kiss... i need you to need me... 😔😔

16th September 2017

Dreamt of you... this time not really a pleasant dream... how i wish reality is really the opposite from dream... so something pleasant will happen between the 2 of us...

13th September 2017

Hoping... someday you will walk into my life and shine it all up again... it is just black and white now... all i need is for you to love me... i'm crumbling... really dont know how long i can hold before i lose myself away...

If i fight for you... will you fight for me...

12th September 2017

Been having sleepless nights nowadays... getting kore and more difficult to make myself fall asleep... knowing in my head... i am thinking about you... it seems like... i can never let it go... never... a part of me just keep on holding onto you... i miss you... i really miss you... i need your hug so much... my heart is crying out and you cannot hear it... you would not care either... i am still suffering deeply in pain... can you see... you cant... all you see is that you think i am doing fine without you... i am listening to rumours about you... all your self assumptions... when you're all wrong... i am here alone... believing in you... having faith in you... holding on to hope... while hanging on the edge of a cliff for as long as i can to keep myself alive till the end... really hope you can learn to see things from my perspective instead... i need to be selfish too... to protect myself okay... you want me to understand your situation... but who is going to understand mine... who is going to protect my feelings... nobody... in hope you will but you left... left me stranded... i guess... i will close my bottle and never open it up again anymore... back to keeping everything to myself... thanks...

6th September 2017

6th September 2017... yet another monthsary... but so different now... cannot celebrate it anymore... everything happened so fast... changed so fast... and fell and got hurt all in an instance... how i wish we could go back to how we used to be... happy together... haiz... i really miss you... and i will never believe what people say about you... until i see it for myself... i will always believe and have faith in you... hope you know that...

1st September 2017

Got to see you after weeks... although it was just a normal look or quick glance... i am glad already... how i wish i could be able to look at you and just stare into your eyes like before again...

30th August 2017

01:19am... here i am... unable to sleep and tearing... missing her...

30th August 2017

It just feel like my heart gets a cut from a knife for each day that passed without you... doubt i can survive this pain...

30th August 2017

Out of a sudden while otw home just now... heart felt damn fucking heavy... missing her so fuckong much... started tearing while walking back home... decided to take a walk at the park cos didnt want to go home while tearing... all the chinese songs out of a sudden just fitted my mood and tells it all about what i feel and think... the more the songs continued play... i more i teared... while thinking about her and missing her... haiz...

29th August 2017

Been 3 weeks... only 3 weeks and so much has changed and happened... what am i gonna do with my life... i miss her...

28th August 2017

Congrats on getting accepted by EAE... feeling happy for you... now that you have no more burden like me to carry... hope you will continue to jiayou and study hard for your Os...

28th August 2017

Everything reminds me of you... i just cannot stop thinking of you... i miss you... i really fucking miss you... i need your hug so much... and it fucking hurts knowing that i can never get your hug again... fml... really fml...

27th August 2017

You totally killed me inside out babe... you broke every single promise you made... you contradict everything you said with your actions... you said you wont but you do it... you said you will but you did not... your actions just show that you've never really love me... you show no remorsefulness... haiz... i love you...

27th August 2017

Dreamt of you thrice this week... sigh... we were so sweet in my dreams... you even asked me "come back to me please"... knowing it all will not happen in reality...

27th August 2017

Hard earned streak... gone... 448... you just keep giving me the feel that you dont even want to be friends and work our way up again... what a dirty way of leaving... you really need to reflect on yourself... i love you... but there are things you always think you're right but you're wrong...

26th August 2017

I am just a failure in relationship... nobody... nobody can just love me and stay in life... am a fucking failure in everything... people i love just always leave me... people just love to throw my heart around and shatter it...

26th August 2017

Haizz.... just want her to know that she can never find someone who will love her like me...

26th August 2017

So... she indirectly initiated a break up... what a way... so noy clean... through text?... I really love you... but your actions really contradicts your words... i really hope you reflect on yourself... i know where i went wrong but you just dont think you did any wrong that contributed to the situation we are in now... you say you feel pain... i dont understand how you feel pain when you're the one leaving and said your feeling faded... you dont even know if you love me... how does when you has no feeling and dont know if you love me, choosing to leave made you feel pain... i really dont understand... and i am here... just here listening and watching to your contradicting words and actions while the knife just stab deeper and deeper into my heart... dont tell me i dont understand because i understand the pain more dhen you... more dhen you thought... even if you understand the pain but so what...  you're not feeling the pain now.... and i am feeling it now... and all you do was... unfriend me?... and telling me things?... really hope you act and solve things maturely if you want to convince me you actually understand... if not... you dont... taking a break to us it to break up is already a dirty act... sigh... i gave you all i could... and you just re-enacted my past again and smash everything i gave you... my love for you... my heart.... my trust and faith in you... everything... you smashed everything... instead of solving it... you chose to ignore it and walk away... please mature up and self reflect... put your ego and pride away... it wont help you solve things maturely at all... i really hope we could work our way up again... and one day... back together again... i really love you... baby...

25th August 2017

She removed me as friend on snapchat... idky... reallt want to know why... it just bring me to tears... she still doesnt know i am living through pain everyday...

21st August 2017

It has been 2 weeks... I really really miss you baby... idk about you... I have been trying so hard to suppress my need to check on you...

16th August 2017

Sigh.... guess baby got what she wanted in snapchat... kept ignoring my snaps instead of replying... keep snapping her other friends and now our hard earned heart is gone... whats next? Streak also gone?... I not gonna use snapchat streak as whats holding our love but... she's just showing that in her back of her head she already decided not to get back together...

15th August 2017

Taking a big step... trying to accept the temporary break baby want to have... please understand that it is really not easy at all for me to take this break and you know it very clearly... really hope you are not going to break me up and come back to me to save me... this temp break... i let you focus on your studies and away from relationship for awhile until you feel like you're ready... and i will use this time to work on myself... to be better for you... starting from friends... work my way up and court you again... Hopefully you can see it and come back to me telling me you love me and lets get back together... that would be the best thing i could ever receive in my life...

14th August 2017

Baby promised that one thing for sure is that she will talk to me but seems like its not... she just constantly ignores me... do you miss me baby?... do you want to talk to me?... if you do just stop pretending... i really miss you... and i really want to talk to you... i really dont know how long you want to torture me like this... 😧

13th August 2017

Although its just been 1 week and 4 day since baby angry at me and decided to take a break... it feels like months to me... seconds feeling like minutes... minutes feeling like hours... hours feeling like days... days feeling like weeks and weeks feeling like months...

I want you to know baby... this break you're taking is like putting me in ICU... its either you save me or let me die... 😔😔😔 Its really pain and i am taking it all in pretending i am okay...

I really love you...

13 August 2017

I really really really want to know... is it easy for baby to just take a break like that... is it easy to just ignore me and not talk to me... is it easy for her not to see me... i really want to know... because its killing me inside... i dont want a break... i want to just continue... hold on and fight my way to be better for her instead... i want to talk to her as per how we always do... i want to see her... i am only human... i have feelings... idk if you realise doing this really hurt my feelings... i gave you my heart... it is on your hand with you... please keep it safe and come back soon... please do not break it... as it was broken once...

13th August 2017

Fever... time like this... how i wish you could place your hand over my forehead to feel and compare the temperature... telling me you think i having fever and advise me to rest more...

12 August 2017

Feeling unwell... coughing... and wish baby could show me some care now... 😔😧 She is just my cure to everything... my cure... my hope... my faith... my motivation... my determination... my love... my everything... and in hope... i can be her all of these too...

12 August 2017

You're the only one i seriously spent so much time and effort on baby... its really tiring if you do not know... i did not say it doesnt mean i am not... because anything for you... and just to see you... i will just keep all these with myself... because telling you will only make you feel worse/angry/sad/etc... i have never felt this love before with anyone and i am fucking serious about it... you're just my angel... yet my devil too... simply said... you're all i really need... really nothing else at all... praying everyday you will come back as soon as you can to make me a better person as an angel... for now... i have no choice but to pretend i am okay with you taking this break when i am seriously not and its killing me... for you to come back... i will hide this pain...

I love you...

11 August 2017

I really need baby to know... i need nothing and nobody but just her... all i need is her... nothing else matters at all... its really just her that i need to stay by my side... she's... my all... always hoping she will hold on no matter how hard it is for her... i understand its tough... just hold on to me and tell me... you're not going to give up on me...

10th August 2017

It's really tough....  fighting damn fucking hard that i have to accept baby is taking break... i really dont know if i am already depressed... kept going out late at night to thr park... find one dark corner of a playground and hide there... and just look up in the sky and do nothing but to think and missing baby... i really dont know how long more i can hold till i totally break down... i am really not strong for this.... i can only be strong when baby is with me... i really really praying and hoping everyday... baby will come back to me... because she reslly misses me and couldnt hold any longer being apart from me... 😔😢😔😢😔

9th August 2017

When will i ever get to hold you hands again... when i will ever get to hug and kiss you again....

8th August 2017

I swear... there is nothing that can stop bring baby off my mind... everything reminds me of her... my heart and my mind can never be in peace till the day she comes back to me.... i really dont know how i am going tk focus on my studies... only when i have her... i can really concentrate... i really need her back without taking a break... i really cannot take this... i am fucking struggling.... i swear i will give her everything she needs... all as long as she comes back to me.... please save me baby.... please.... i understand you dont want much commitment... all i need is you stay with me... talk as we always do... other than that... i will never demand it... please stay loyal to me please... if you still insist of taking a break... please find ways to remind yourself that you love me.... and soon when you're ready... you will come back to me and not someone else.... my heart really struggling like fuck man.... i am drowning all because you need a break...

8th Auguest 2017

Why cant baby just dont take a break... i know its suffocating... no one is ever ready for a relationship... it just come... and we all just have to fight on together to keep it alive... i am fighting really hard too but she just dont see it... and one of the hardest thing to fight is she needing a break... this fight... i know i may come out dead... but i will still fight... as long as its for you... and any chance for you to come back... but i still baby will take back her words for needing a break... cos its really killing me... why cant we just continue and be simple... i will really change just to let her have her space... her time... her privacy... whatever she needs but just really dont want her to take a break in our relationship... we love each other... why cant we continje fighting it.... she needs to understand that its hard for me too but not because i can commit... is because i love her and i am willing to fight it just to be with her... all as long as she is with me...

8th August 2017

All it take was just 1 mistake... saying thr wrong thing about her mum.... and there it goes.... it really fucking hurts.... that she said she need a break... i know its tough for her... i just want her to continue to fight for me as she that i am worth the fight... and now... i gyess its easier for her to say she need a break than continue to fight.... i totally knows what needing a break always end up.... i been through it before.... its always the same.... and i just really really really hope baby will get back to me asap and mend my heart.... she's not as firm to her answer anymore.... she said cant give empty promise.... she cant be sure what will happen in the future.... which means there is a chance she may not come back to me..... i really fucking sad.... i am like.... finally.... finally found one i love so much.... unexpectedly just like her.... i wasnt prepared just like her.... but i am willing to fight whatever that is coming at us and save this relationship.... but she isnt.... she is not ready to commit..... she is still learning..... i really want her to stay with me while she learns..... my tears just kept flowing and flowing..... there is no enough sorries that can stop my tears.... i only want her to come back to me.... i really really love her.... i really really need her.... i really really cannot cannot cannot afford to lose her..... if she doesnt come back..... there goes my heart...... the pieces she picked up and mend it bacm will be broken into pieces again and worse.... it can never be mend back again..... if she doesnt come back..... i can never trust myself to love again.... ever..... because i all love and ever need is her.....

7th August 2017

I really dont know how... you can watch me suffer miserably like this... do you really feel nothing at all... my heart is really crying for your help...

7th August 2017

Literally cried for 5 nights straight... she still do not know how much pain i am feeling... she just does not care... she would rather see me in this state than forgiving me and save me out of this pain...

7th August 2017

Baby doesn't even tell me she love me too even after i said i love her... is her love for me fading... is she not gonna love me anymore... all because i made her angry?... my head really want to explode... my heart sank to the core of the earth and cant go any deeper... pull me up and save me please baby... please... i dont know what i will do if you leave me there... die could be the best option...

7th August 2017

Getting ignored and not cared for from the person who i love the love the most and the only person i want to talk to thr most... i guess nobody understand this pain... not even baby... she can just literally ignore me and don't talk to me because she's angry and just don't feel like it... She said she knows i have feeling but yet she's ignoring it and let my feelings hurt... She chose anger over my feelings... That is why people goes to jail right... no matter how apologetic you are... as long as you make mistake... you still go to jail... and baby put me in jail... and she doesnt even know it... i really hope she will save me out from this jail...

7th August 2017

Its really suffering..... that baby just dont feel like talking to me.... she jusy dont feel like it..... it doesnt hurt her at all...... my tears just keep flowing and flowing.... just hoping that she will forgive me and talk to me..... sge really just do not know how much pain i am feeling.....

5th August 2017

Baby is really trying to kill me inside out emotionally........ she really do not know how much pain i am feeling right now......... fucking overthinking every shit now.....

4th August 2017

I should really go and die.....

4th August 2017

Tk... you suck.... you really suck.... just go and die...

4th August 2017

I think.... i am starting to get depressesd.... just feel something is wrong with myseld....

3rd August 2017

You just never how much it really hurts dont you.... you always say you do but you dont.... i will never do the same to you because i know how much it REALLY hurts....

3rd August 2017

I really dont know what to do..... to make baby forgive me..... and she just dont want to say a thing..... i just really feel like hurting myself to numb myself from such emotional pain.....

2nd Auguat 2017

Hope you will never get to find my blog.... as i know... once you finish reading it... you will definitely get angry at me for not telling you all this... but the thing is... you know you will get angry even if i tell you.... i really dont want to get you angry and rather i keep all this to myself... and watch you learn slowly.... on how to love me... i really love you.... and if you get to find  out about this blog of mine.... i do hope you'll still be with me and want to be with me forever and love me forever.... because... i do.... all i have done is all because of you and for you.... just want you to know how big an impact you make on me...

2nd August 2017

Ended school today at 12... went for lunch with friends and ended up in karaoke. Around 2+... baby returned snap that she ended school and told me to meet at circle line... i was half way in karaoke with friends... told them i need to rush off already... ran off and out.... luckily there was a cab... hopped on and went over to nex and meet baby as told... reached there... got a stomachache and went to shit first... told baby about it... when done... she asked why i took so long and her mum was rushing her already... i rushed off from school and reached nex including shitting was around 30mins.... i was very fast already.... i really understand that her mum ia rushing her and may get angry over her taking so long... but i wasnt even told about around what time baby end school.... i rushed off and reached in 30mins is really very fast already.... all i needed was baby's appreciation... i really appreciate you trying so hard to let me send you home... as everytime i send you home... it is a risk itself... but i do need your appreciation for the things i do for you too.... i guess you do not know that i always put your feelings first before mine.... everything i do.... i think of not getting you sad, angry and etc.... when i do so... i may get sad and angry for doing it... but i try my best to suppress it... as long as you're happy.... because i really love you...

2nd August 2017

Felt really weak and lousy during training... all of a sudden i felt like i lost all my motivation... teared half way through training during break... felt so lousy because my stamina sucks like hell... cannot even kick properly like how i do last time... all gone.... down into the drain... easily injured nowadays... everywhere also injured... feel like i really suck.... and said a fucker by baby.... seems like i am really a loser in life.... idk what i am doing with life.... why am i in this earth.... i cause problem.... being a burden.... being a loser..... sometimes.... i really want to see who really cares... if i am lying in the hospital dying.... wtf am i thinking right.... idek wtf is wrong with me..... all i need is baby to embrace me.... just her is enough.... all i need her hug.... and tell me everything will be okay and she will be there with me.... and as i typing this.... i am fucking tearing.... but who knows?... nobody gonna know about this blog....

2nd August 2017

If baby, being my closest one, dont even believe me that i really did not mean to say it... i'll be fucking sad.... that in her eyes... i am a fucker....

29th July 2017

All i ever wanted..... is for you to stay and love me throughout no matter what as you promised....... thats all i could ever ask for....... and times like this..... i just feel like killing myself...... i just love you really really much baby........

18th July 2017

I swear everything i do just makes baby angry... talking on the phone, reception was bad, i just said sorry i cannot hear you, baby can say it again but in an angry tone... whats with me.... i am really a mess for her to handle... she say i am perfect to her but she acting like i am not... she used to like me being clingy but not now anymore...

8th July 2017

It's really suffering to receive cold treatment from baby... idek if you know that it hurts when you do that... but its all okay... i can take it... just as long as you feel okay and better baby....

7th July 2017

I am a fucking weakling in love and relationship... really doubting myself if i am good and strong enough to handle love...

7th July 2017

Sometimes i really think i suck at relationship... i just suck... i am so difficult to love... so difficult to satisfy... because of all my insecurities... i cannot bear to get angry and scold... i just cant... i rather i take in everything and feel all the pain myself dhen seeing baby getting angry at me... telling ger everything will only make her more angry eventhough she told me to just tell her what i feel and think... because all i wish is for her to be happy... she happy, i'll also be happy...

6th July 2017

It is our 7th monthsary together. Wished baby with a long long passage. She's still pms-ing and angry with me... giving me only a "happy 7th month 💕💕💕"... That short "happy 7th month 💕💕💕" was so familiar because thats what she said to her ex... and that was the last time she said it to him... making me so scared that it could be the last time she saying it... 😔😔😔 sometimes i think i am really not good enough to meet her standards and requirement... i wish i can be a better bf for her...

2nd July 2017

Baby want me to tell her how i feel and dont hide my feelings and what i think... tell liao dhen she angry... what can i do... if i do to you what you do to me... you really wouldnt like it baby... but still, i love you....

2nd July 2017

I know you're pms-ing baby but how you treating me and how you treating your girl friends is just different... and you tell me you pms?... its hirting okay... cant you feel my pain...

1st July 2017

Baby is pms-ing... really dont feel good when she being cold to me because she pms... asked her if there is anything i did/do that actually make her heart flutters and she replied no... that was really hurting to know... i cannot help but wonder if baby really in love with me... 😳😳 i dont know how to explain further... that reply made me so confused and hurt...

8th June 2017

Its really pain man... its like a knife stabbed into my heart and then twisting the knife around in the heart... baby... talk to me normally and lovely like how we use to please.... 💔 Am i still your number 1 priority?? Am i still the most important to you?? Are you as obsessed with me?? Do you miss me all the time?? Do you really love me baby?? Tell me baby... Let me know... Lets pour our hearts out to each other okay...

8th June 2017

When?.... when will baby be talking normally like how we use to talk again??... why is she doing this to me?.... why cant you tell me baby?... i really want to know.... it hurts you know... why cant we just sit down, explain, solve and settle everythimg calming together?...

7th June 2017

I really wishing baby can be lovely to me again... 😔😔😔 I already really tried my best to show you my change although its only just been 3 days...

7th June 2017

Met baby and sent her to school this morning. Then she decide to reach school late, so we skipped a few trains and went to nex to wall for abit as her friend asked her to buy food. Baby finally simmered down abit and start to be close to me again :) She hugged me again :) It feels really great to be able to be hugged by baby again i swear. She also held my hand again :) Then continued to send her to school. Reached J8, she was afraid a lot of her teachers will be around so i sent her off at 1 of the J8 exit which she brought me to. Hugged her goodbye and she kissed me 😊😊😊 I hope you know that i am happy babyy. 😊 After her school, she came over to my work to find me. We walked around chit chatting holding hands. Walked to sentosa and back, then around vivo city looking at toy r rus and babies stuff. We then went to an exit, hugged and kissed intensely. I hope baby knows that i've missed her hug and kiss so so so sooooooo much. I miss everything about her. The way she look at me, the way she talks to me, her holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me and making out with me. I miss everything sooooo much. She turns me on every single time when we start hugging and kissing. Hope you know that babyyy :) We got some skin contact and gave her a love bite. :) After that, brought her down to mrt station to send her off to go home.

Sad thing is, after she left, she starts talking to me quite coldly again :( She dont snap me her face and all :(( when what i want to see most in her snap is her face :((  Sent her a photo that she liked on insta about couples who sleeps together naked are happy and asked her if we should sleep naked together. She kept replying 🤔🤔 to all my questions and doesnt want to answer me... :(( idk if she knows that the way she dont answer my questions really hurts me and makes me think aaaaaaaaaa lot. It makes me even more insecure... 😔😔  she seems like she is not obsessed with me anymore... and cannot talk lovely to me anymore... 😔😔 I swear i am fucking sad... i hope she knows... told her i am getting sad and she replied she is still not gonna answer... whats wrong baby??? Why cannot answer me like you always did before??... 😳😳😳

7th June 2017

Now i just keep hoping that baby will go back to normal and talk to me normally like how we use to talk... being lovely and all to me...

6th June 2017

The goodnight baby gave is so cold... its just like a goodnight snap she will send to everyone else... am i even special to her?... when will she be lovely to me again?...

6th June 2017

Am i someone who can be manipulated around? Is my feeling being played around?...

6th June 2017

Baby is still so cold at me... not any of these (😙💕❤🙆💋) at all... 😔😔😔 I feel like i am just amyone normal to her instead of someone special... Do you still love me baby??... please tell me...

6th June 2017

I think i was born to get last seen at... 😩😩😩

6th June 2017

And yes, she didnt wish me happy 6th... it hurts... but can i do??...

6th June 2017

Its 6.03am. While waiting for time to up and leave to send baby to school, i am really hoping baby gonna at least send me back a happy 6th monthsary message... because if she dont, i guess i am gonna start thinking much again...

5th June 2017

Am i a joke? I feel like a joke to her mother...

5th June 2017

When its okay that everyone ignores and last seen me but just that one person cant, and that one person ignores and last seen me... it just hurts... but i have to learn not to show it... i need to pretend... to not make baby angry...

5th June 2017

She's definately angry with me... and she's being famn cold to me... i hug and she doesnt hug me back... i really dont know what else i could do to make her happy...

5th June 2017

I need to learn how to not let the past affect the present... I am really sorry that i made you angry again baby... but it really hurts when you pushed me away instead of pulling me closer...

4th June 2017

Baby ended her chalet. Idk if she had fun but i hope she did. She was being cold to me today... maybe because i was annoying her with my sadness and missing her much... or maybe i am just annoying... but it hurts... hurts that she's being cold to me... i really dont know if she want to talk to me... it just seemed like she doenst want to talk to me... she avoided questions i asked again... i dont know if she knows that it hurts when she do this... i just have to pretend that its okay again... i keep feeling that she's losing interest in me... her love for me seems to fade even when she said it didnt... i really want to know the truth deep down in her heart... but at the same time i am so scared i couldnt take the answer... sometimes, i really feel like hurting myself to get her attention... am i stupid?...

3rd June 2017

Got so worried after finding out baby slept so late... and only got 3 hours of sleep. Really wanted her to get enough rest... she seemed like not wanting to talk to me... told her that she dont seem like she want to talk to me and she replied no... and i told her i want her to keep talking to me... she replied fineeeee. Told her that, by that reply means she didnt want to talk to me? And she changed subject... it really hurts me... whenever i ask a question and she just ignore it... i am really scared.... really really scared... she give me a feel that she've lost interest in me... all her replies was so cold.... i am really sad but i just didnt show it... i really dont want to make her angry at me... keep the pain to myself and rather she is happy... i just really want her to show me that she really love me... i feel sucky as i know i always need reassurrance... i know i need to learn how to open up and let her have fun and try not to be sensitive... but i tried my best... there is this prick deep down in my heart that is always pricking me and it hurts... i need her to remove this prick for me.... i really love her... baby... i really love you... and i really miss her while she is having fun in the chalet... miss her so much that it actually hurts... its 12.21am now... and she have yet to reply me since 8pm... she must be really having fun... glad she did... never want her to see how sad i get whenever i get insecure and when i miss her... cos it only makes her angry... and when she is angry... she ignores me... which hurts... and might say things that hurt me even more... hope she never gets to see this blog and know how sad i get everytime...

2nd June 2017

Met up with baby and sent her home. Seems like baby not gonna take a break with me. I am really happy. She was feeling needy for me today, i was more than happy to give her my hugs that she need. She told me the night before when we called to talk, she really needed my hug... i feel so useless not being able to give her the hug that she needed during thag time... :( After sending her home, she needed to pack her stuff and head to chalet with friends. She told me that she gonna keep texting me but sadly, she didnt... her replies starting to get cold again... i could understand that all her friends are there and watching her... which gave her a hard time to reply me... i feel very sad that she didnt text me as much as she said she will but at the same time i want her to enjoy herself... so, i did not tell her about this... need to keep it to myself and not make her angry again... only this way i could make her happy... i miss baby so much eventhough i only just met her 2 hours before her chalet... i really want to see her and talk to her but... i shall just let her have fun... I love you baby...

31st May 2017

Today, baby said that i did got stand up for her and wanted to have a temporarily break with me... Her words pierced straight through my heart and it really hurts so much... Baby seems like she is tired of me... because i am clingy, over sensitive and always telling her to do things she do not want to do... i cannot control... past made me like this... past hurt me and made me this way to protect myself... but at the same time i dont want to be like this... i really dont want to and i really hate myself when i cannot control it... but baby just dont see it... her words made my heart pump so fast as if it was sprinting towards a finish line and then it feels like my heart was made of glass, jumped down a building and shattered into pieces... she dont know how much her words hurt me... and i cannot do anything other than begging like a beggar for her not to take a break... as i always afraid a break will ends up a real break in the end... and i really cannot lose baby... i really cannot afford to lose her... i really love baby so much... i can lose everything but her... but why cant baby see how much i am fighting for her... and how much i am fighting against myself to be a better guy for her... No matter how much baby hurts me... i will still pick the pieces up myself and love her... can you see it baby?... can you?... i know i am a bad in relationships but i have never love someone so much as you... the love grew so much that it actually hurts because i afraid its all one sided... all i want is to be with you... make you happy... share your problems with me... and go through everything together... want you to love and keep me... i want to be part of your life... is that too much to ask for?... now, all i really hoping for is that you still love me and want to be with me as much as you always do... i am really sorry that i made you feel suffocated and tired... i am hurt too... all i need is you to hug me... and tell me all is fine and you will go through it with me together... i need your encouragement too you know baby... i didnt say all these because i know even if i said it, you'll just be angry at me for thinking this way... So, i might as well hide my thoughts and feelings and write it out here... i would rather i 1 person suffer the pain and keep it to myself and see you happy instead of being angry at me not telling you all these... cos you'll still be angry even if i say it...

I really want you happy baby... because i really love you so much...